THERE IS SOMETHING IN MY EYE

There's something in my eye. I cut my hair and trimmed my beard this afternoon, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say a tiny piece of keratin shrapnel is floating around on my right eyeball, and it's kind of uncomfortable. I think I'm just going to go right on and gouge that eye out with a spoon. It can't be worse. IT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE WORSE.

rising shotgun in imaginary cars