Reader Requested

A number of people have been encouraging me to share my opinions of America and it's denizens.

I HATE AMERICANS WITH A FERVOUR MATCHED IN MAGNITUDE ONLY BY THE CANDOUR WITH WHICH I WILL NOW EXPRESS THAT HATRED.

Firstly, your foreign policy is characterised by triumpahalism and almost Hawthornian short-sightedness. Secondly, every American I meet is a VAST CREPUSCULAR SACK OF DOUCHE.

You left your guitar case dead centre in the hallway. Are you trying to align it with the solstice? That crap might fly in the Palmetto state, pal, but not here.

Your cultural imperialism has caused me to accidentally mispronounce "aluminium". These are the actions of FASCISTS.

You think that your eating-babies joke makes you edgy, but when I make a lighthearted remark about genital mutilation, you give me a look that says "That lacked class". What time is it? Why, I do believe it's a quarter past HYPOCRISY.

I tripped and stubbed my toe earlier. There is no doubt in my mind that this is due to HANGING CHADS.

You stay awake until the early hours and then sleep until after I've eaten lunch. What so you call that, Mountain Time? Well I call it FLAMING MORON TIME. No natural human being exists soley during the hours of night and dusk. Are you a mole person? Because you're living the lifestyle of Mole People. MOLE PEOPLE. WHAT ARE YOU???

You are a pale indie-rocker of Czech-German extraction, but aspire to Hispanic coolness by playing acoustic guitar and having people refer to you as 'Pedro'. You ride a bike so dilapidated that it radiates a caustic aura of crappiness in a thirty metre radius, thus disturbing my sleep and possibly damaging my health. You mix crazy brews in blenders and eat onyl mustard and apples. Do you know who else does that? WITCHES!!!

America, you take everything good and true and pevert it, much like Sauron does in the popular talkie "Fellows of the Ring". We gave you Tea and Crumpets, and you gave back coffee and pop-tarts. We gave you Jospeh Conrad and you gave us back a profusely sweating Martin Sheen. We gave you the habeus corpus act and you gave us back rendition and indefinate detainment...


...um...


I'm sorry, I can't keep this up. I was going to go on and use the thermonuclear detonator of American Shame, the very reverend Fred Phelps, but at this point his unspeakable evil caused me to retch. I now imagine the good reverend to resemble the Skin of Evil, since I'm unable to imagine him having a human face anymore. When I choked back the bile and went back to trying to think up hilarious GRIEVANCES, I realised that I had started on a path that lead into madness, much like that scene in Empire where Luke swings his lightsaber at the emporer.

Wow, I just used both Star Trek and Star Wars to express myself. Shortly after referencing Tolkien, too. Guess I'll never get into the cool-kid club now.

I balme Massachusetts.

I feel kind of light-headed. I might go and have a cup of tea.