100% Verbatim

Since coming to Oxford, I've inherited an email account from a previous student (and, for that matter, a department) who apparently had next to no sense of e-mail hygiene. I've gotten used to the idea that I'm going to get a lot of email from people who want to talk to me about my penis and the urgent need to buy enhancements for it, herbal or otherwise, and just possibly to take out a mortgage on it. It makes using any kind of non-filtered webmail interface utterly useless but the joy of Apple Mail makes it a moot point. Every so often one slips the net, though, and today was just such an example.

In my humble opinion, it takes the parameters that you expect commercial email to fall within and shoots them in the head. I can reach one of only two conclusions.
a) This e-mail originates in outer space.
b) This is a real-life example of the Monty Python sketch about the Malicious Bilingual Dictionary Maker.

I record it for posterity below. My favourite part is the sign-off.

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From: Tristin VALDEZ
Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 16:55:53 +0000
Subject: Merry Christmas!

Bonjour, Sidney!

this bear sawed poor. why steam proved you weakly? inquisitively glove swept her collar regarding quality. i overlaid his deep family excepting time. tightly. this bad building inside need, which hand-fed slow, delicate point. Keyon unlaid our different sex. he overtook Reid who put us Kendal! she sprang yellow love, that showed sharply... regarding cover set story, shelf overleaped regarding his front as beautiful development:

"who they bid us?"
"you crept us safe."

hanging sky flower overhung, we forecasted lazily, solemnly, unexpectedly. he flung this necessary fiction outside her medical drive, which ridded less. its wise needle burst past our ship; normal, right screw. sweet boat neck waylaid, he forsook mortally, successfully, often. it forgave this strange clock versus an kind rod, which zinced afterwards. an poor journey pleaded plus your umbrella; like, kind feather. why fire spread you too? shrilly head self-sowed her print amid wing. we pleaded some wet leather around pain. fondly. it roughcast its green cloth around that wide horn, which shaved nearly. i spread an hanging stamp besides the cruel comb, that knew recklessly. she gainsaid you parallel. Savana hand-fed your right needle. she overspread Tyson when cut you Kayli! they flung an able observation round your wrong rule, who slew faithfully. her high rate forewent against its curtain; round, complex finger. dry journey form withdrew, i forgave cruelly, tensely, cruelly. its fertile roll untaught beneath an fire; regular, bright weather. it foreshowed an fertile circle despite our bitter flame, who outdid reluctantly. they wrung us loud. we swelled thin paste, that wetted loosely.

she outputted your grey interest up my different polish, who flew nervously. my different area begot aboard their glove; beautiful, sharp bulb. dear work skin cast, they rebuilt annually, afterwards, promptly. your hard road slunk as an bag; parallel, slow time. he overbuilt my feeble effect near her free writing, who forgot enormously. we beset him married. you dared chief box, that troubleshot frantically...

unslung some dead development,
Ahmed HOOD.

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I'm thinking of getting a print-out of this sucker framed.

Music: "Fitzcaraldo" by The Frames